So Kill Me...

Its one of those days
where u just feel lyk ur
legs r goin to fall off.

Ur mind is depressed but
its telling u to go on.

I mean being a teacher
is tough.

a student care teacher! not
just any ordinary tcher.

I have a new found respect
for tchers.
U dont noe what politics go
on in a place man!

well. i wont bitch on my
blog. not worth my hand energy.

ok.

so now im a tcher.

yeh. at mercu student care centre
wdlands 351.
so weird to think myself
as a tcher cos its been only 2 months
since i called others tcher n
depended on them.

culture shock.
now others depend on me.

well. e job is nt depressing. haha.
god no! yes i say my mind is depressed
but thts cos of other thngs as well n cos
my mind is trying to block off
as much negative energy as possible.
see i dont want to go down to e pt
of breaking down n shutting dwn.

im supposed to enjoy my post alevels.
n yeah i am in a way. but of course
nothngs perfect.

n im nt only bothered by e thngs tht
go along behind my job.
but by everything else im thnking bout
in my life.

ie.
ME missing my frens.
they nt toking to me for SO long.
Having a New n Scary life now filled
with responsibilities.
bout HIM. (secret lover). bahahah!

all these cramming into one thought.
im surprised im not insane yet.

i guess wht keeps me sane is tht i
noe tht i have a job n no matter wat
happens at the back, i have to fulfill it
well. thts just my priniciple.

oh gosh. seriously, 'nice guys finish last'.
cos im being good... this is wht happens to
me. its lyk karma upside down.

haiz.

well. lets tok bout the positive side k.

not all is bad bout my new life n job.
i mean im loving my job!
my cute kids! irritatingly cute.
hahah.
its a fulfilling job. nt mundane...
filled with fun.

hmm. so far im understanding
e duties of my job.

i handle it ok.

i hope to do better.

i can be a workaholic sometimes
now den i realise.

I LOVE MY KIDS!
IM LOYAL TO MY PLACE!

but sometimes u cant take it.
i see how it goes in jan.

hopefully by den i can attach
my legs to its ori position.

*wish me luck*

Strike Up Another Mandolin.

This is goin to be my new guitar!!!

hopefully.

heex.

IBANEZ RG321

im goin to fight for it!!!

@Swee Lee (Sims Drive)

on Sat.

P.S. : pls tok

to me... Lyk hw we use too.

*sigh*

ITS OVER!!!

muahahahaha.
i feel so happy that it
is over.

a bit shaky still.
cant believe tht jc life
is over.
tht a levels is over!

so overwhelming for me.

will begin new life.. new pple.

wow.

i just hope tht e choice
i just made is right. well
i will follow my intuition n
the light from god. haha.
realli. i got the light.
i shld tell him!

oh gosh. im scared.

of 2 results.
1. my alevel results!
2. the result of me telling
him!

ahhh!

sorry if i sound too general.
after i tell him i shall
reveal what i mean! :)

haiz.

SO GLAD ITS OVER.
yet mixed feelins here.
pherfff.
now i can do loads
of things!

i shall showcase my list
of things to do after a
levels in my nxt post!
haha. :)

I wish I was Like You. Easily Amused.

I feel dead.



So is my blog.



Pls wait...



Cant wait...



Till A levels is



OVER!!!



*OH Well... whatever... nevermind...*

You and Me

I just discovered this nice song.
It TOTALLY relates to me...
TOTALLY relates to US. *sigh*
both of us DO love the same
music. :)

This song is about
YOU and ME.

US. :)

Plain White T's
Song: You and Me

You and me, we like the same kind of music
That's why we, make a good you and me
We got style, baby we know how to use it
That's why we, make a good you and me

You know what I'm going to say
before my mouth even makes a sound
And that's why we make a good you and me

You and me, we couldn't stand being normal
That's why we, make a good you and me
We both laugh, at the most random situations
That's the key, baby don't you agree?

You know what I'm going to say
before my mouth even makes a sound
And that's why we make a good you and me

I know from the sound of your breathing
exactly what you are feeling
This is why we make a good you and me
Make a good you and me
Make a good you and me
You and me

You and me, all that we need is each other
That's why we, make a good you and me

You know what I'm going to say
before my mouth even makes a sound
And that's why we make a good you and me

I know from the sound of your breathing
exactly what you are feeling
This is why we make a good you and me
Make a good you and me
Make a good you and me
You and me

Time Of Your (MY) Life

Today was prob the
BEST burfdae ever!

alhamdullilah.

aahhaha.
(Me turned 18
-- in 2007) :)

my wish came true.

for me to have a 'quiet'
small dinner with my
frens.

n for pple i care for to
be there...

*sigh*

well it was sorta with
probs at first... lyk
where to eat..

hah. but turned out
well... thnk god.

it was great. :D

To ME FRENS:
u guys rock! thnks SO
mucH!

yeah. we studied at
school first. den go
to eat.

in e morn... they wished
me happi bdae at the
traffic light. haha.
yeh.

n i saw fizah's Wrapped-
in-pink present from
far! haha.

thnks fizah!

den thruout it was
a pretty great day.

they sang happy bdae
in malay class. in malay.
'allah selamatkan kamu'.

ahaha.

luckily i didnt faint
lyk 'ismet ulamraja' in
the show tiga abdul.
ahahha.

anyways... den thngs were
norm. studies. blegh.
haha. den we studied in
e lib oso aft school.

oh n i peeked into fizah's
present. haha.
i knew wat it was! its so
cute!

den wen we all abt to leave
to go buka..
kam bocor 'rahsia'...
she told tat they were gettin
a prezzie for me. ahaha.
trust her not to keep secrets. :P

well my fault too i keep asking
her questions.
den the rest went to solat.

while those hu cannot... hehe.
(sad i cant puasa on my
bdae. well semoga i still get rahmat
bulan puasa. haha)
those hu cannot met first. me, jb
n firah went to al-ameen together.

firah was with a cake! arr so sweet
of them! hah. thnks kam, seri n firah!

we decided al ameen in e end.
since its near n got seats.
hah. my fave place oso anyways :)

we met up with hamzah n his fren.
i rmb his name. Zheng Wei, i thnk.
haha.

yeh. n we just sat.. lepak.. dok bebual
bout life. haha. tk.. just catch up
on thngs.. exams n stuff.
haiz.

sometimes i wish it was lyk last yr...

hah. niways... i got somethng to say
to my frens bout jus now...
'korg teruk arr tadi!'

heh. u noe wat i mean pple...

anyways...
so the rest met up with us.
so the bunch of us motley crew,
leapak2 n makan. haha.
me, nari, seri, kam, firah, jb,
hamzah n his fren..

they then took out the cake.
yum chocolate!
n dorg mati2 nk light up the
candles.
but tht was relli fun.

cos...
no. 1 - we didnt have lighter
n had to borrow frm someone.
its funny to wtch karenah kam
n firah! :)

no.2 - i couldnt blow out e candles
well. hahaha. (its my first time.. shh!
k pathetic ah... )

no. 3- I could make a wish for the only
one thing i RELLI wanted.

(shh! cant tell. if not wish wont
come true. hahaha. i dont believe
in tht crap. but its just fun to thnk
of it tht way. for fun. plus y shld
i tell pple!? haha. i will blush. :T

hee.

the best part abt my wish was that:
A sleeper stuck in my dreams.
So near to me.
Wishing for a recurring dream.
For it to happen.

wat better a time den to
wish for it during my bdae. heh.
plus it's so close its lyk a dream.
don wanna miss my chance. :)

don't get it? if ur smart u can
crack the not-so-much of a 'code'.

back to reality...
they also sang me happy bdae.
hahah. so funny. :) but i still
loved it no matter wat!

then we took pics! really dark...
haha. no lighting! oh well. there
is always photoshop.

n they all are such 'picture pushers.'
haha. push n force me to take pics
with... ahemz. hehehe. buggers
la they all! :P

after cake ceremony n pic taking...
we eat eat.. take some more pics.
haha.
overall the 'event' at al-ameen
was GREAT!!!

heh.
den i went to pick up my cake...
e rose fantasy heart-shaped thng..
we walked together to cosway...
i took e cake..

den family time at home..
haha. snap pics. present opening
ceremony. relli nice n great too!

wow. im tired now.. shall continue
next time maybe..

Overall: I think im super LUCKY!
lyk wat narrie say.. so thnk god for
tht.

n today was just great!

im on cloud 9... :D

n KUDOS to...
FIZAH darl for her CUUTE
eeyore small cushion thing! n
beautiful duo picture card!

Seri, Kam, Firah for the
DELiCIOUS cake!

Of course Syaz for the
COLOURFUL key chain
thing! haha

N... to my sis for the NICE LONG
star necklace thing.

my mum... for her AWWW card
n COOL Sentimental Candle thing!

I LOVEZ all of it.
muacks to all!

oh if i seem 'jakon' n 'new' to this
whole brithday celeb. thing..
i am, to tell u e truth. so if i
over enthu n put exclamation
marks for evrythng, u noe why..
im just thrilleD! haha.

AND...
my birthday resolution:
to remember u guys always n
acknowledge ur BURFDAES always!
:)

Still...
BEST PRESENT OF ALL...
it is intangible in value n is
priceless..
YOU! :D

17 And Coming Clean For The First Time

Maybe not so...
Well Im still 17.
and i like to think
that im 'clean'.
hah. not in the
literal sense of the word.

2 more weeks and
im 18!!! gosh.
well yeah its only abt
1 yr.

but with great age comes
great responsibility.
bluek!

haha.

well. yeah.. 18. gosh.
hope my 18 burfdae is nice.
here comes more legal
stuff on the way.

muahaha. devil me. :P

anyways...
today was a pretty good
day. FINALLY i left 1
more paper only for prelims.

n HE doesnt even care. :(

haiz. see im still thinking abt
him. my mind is stuck on
him. bah! somebody save me
from this poison called LOVE.

kwang2...

oh well.

im gonna be older.
but am i wiser?
i think so... lets have a bit
of self-reflection.

Retrospective...

yes.. im much more confident
in nature.
ddnt change hu i am..
maybe love made me more
love sick. but besides tht
im still me!

barggh.

haha. im goin mad.

maybe i shld ask him to
join my 'Hougang Buddies'.
hahaha.

HE would TOtally FIT the
bill! he looks like one. ;)

hehe.

Oh..
A note of advice:

*Jangan puasa yok yok
pagi pagi bukak periuk*

haha. to all muslims
Slamat menyambut
(menghadapi)
ramadhan!

this yr ramadhan is on
13 September. :)

cant wait till we all buka
sama-sama. LOVE! :))

Then I realised what it took...

Courage

thats the key thing i
had to muster...
when i have to see you
with another girl...

my heart crushed...

knowing u proposed to
her...
but not me...

knowing that my dream
of you n me crushed...
knowing that u love her...
n not me.

seeing that u r with her.

happy.

not with me.

why is it so easy for people
like you to get love...

why is it hard for people
like me to get love...

why is it easy for me to
fall in love...

but not get love...

people always tell me i
don need love to make me
happy.

but what if in real fact it
does.

i just want the experience.

n then i can close my eyes.

n not think abt anything
anymore.

why is it so easy for me to
dream about us...

but never have us...

sigh.

all i can do is sigh.

i should not question god's
decisions abt my life.

but sometimes even people
like me cant bear it.
we lose our patience.

my biggest weakness is when i
compare myself with others.

i see pple around me have
love. my girl frens, tht GUY,
my used to be crush...
all with someone. happy.
2-sided love, mind u...
n me, i have none. why do
i feel jealous. why do i want
what they want.

why cant i just live with it...
with e fact tht im alone.

im being lyk one of those
cheesy-emo-'i've lost love'
people. arggh. wats happening
to me.

i cant handle it.

seeing him with another girl.
makes me so crushed inside.

n he's not even my love.
so if my love has a girlf, i
would totally die inside
and remain empty.

would i lose my personality...
start being fake abt who i truly
am... or are... as some pple says.
heh.

everything i say or do reminds
me of you... haiz.

however... u dont see it. i only
see u in ur own world. n don
u see me miserable. dreadful.

its been a long time since
i blogged. so i prefer to start
emo-ing. so bear with me...

nobody feels my pain inside.
i pretend as if im ok with him
being with her.. tht i don like
him anymore... but i do
actually... i feel pain each time
i think of him with her...

if everyone cld feel the feelin
of seeing someone they like with
someone else.. they would be
crushed too..

this is indeed a story of a
lonely bitch.

Jackass

Why are u so cold
towards me?

pls don be.

I hate thinking abt
how
WE used to be last
time.

All the times we
had.

laughing about our
favourite thngs.
being just in our own
world.

haiz. i just need an
explanation!!! why?!
why did WE change?

pls don get distant
from me. i beg of you.

why can u tok to other
gurls lyk normal?
why cant u tok to me?

wht happened to our
conversations?

why?!

this is e first time im
begging for answers.
pls tell me dear! :T

i realise.. i have to do
somethng. its me, me,
me. gosh.

I'm just too fed up
to care!

tell him. :T
+3 more months+

Pool Mr Fool

Finally it happened.
wht i wanted. well i
just hope i will rmb
it forever.

cos i cant say much
here. too paiseh...
paiseh?! haiz. tht means
alot.

but cant tell. not
yet...

cos maybe im still
hoping...
still waiting...
for somethng to happen.
or someone...

but tht will never happen.

im always praying
for my happiness. short
n sweet. cos i believe
tht god noes wht wld make
me happy.

well. life has its ups and
downs. thinking too much
pains the soul. so i shall
stop thnking. face wht
there is. n hope for a better
day.

but my feelings will remain
intact.

i will still care for him...
no matter what he does...
what he does not...
what he say...
its love. :)

n it reminds me of this:

i felt like breaking
melting and just not
thinking bout you
im like a piece of canvas

a black one
saddened and darkened
by your mysterious stares
and our relationship that
changed and withered
like a flower unbloomed

but to me there
will still be you
and there will still be me
both, two of us, duo, pair
gazing at a starry night sky

thinking bout our past
hoping bout our future
n beside us will be our caravan
where we learn to live and
live to learn in our
own world

where we're drawn into
it right from the start
where we gaze into each
others eyes and a sharp pang
goes right into our heart

then into our souls
who seek each other since
forever

but u don see this do u
u and ur smugness
i think all tht i have
thought so far was wrong

we've failed even before
we begun cos we never
did begin.
cos maybe its true.

im just in my dream
and im in my own world
one, just me, mono, single
gazing at a blackened sky

cos i know u will never
feel how i feel.
u will never feel for me
i'm going to rebel now
dear...

i can go with anyone i
want perhaps not.
but i will still care for
you. no matter what
you do or say. my love
will still come through.

Green Day

I love green day!!! :)

: Billie Joe Armstrong

: Tre Cool (Frank Wright the3rd)

: Mike Dirnt (Mike Ryan Pritchard)

whee :)

I've never thought of this before...
den suddenly i thought of it
just now..

let's watch a movie together
den u can whisper into my ear
n tell me a joke
make a stup funny comment
n i will laugh
sincerely

promise

den lets go back to OUR caravan
n look at the stars
and dream abt the movie
the time we had
and smile in our sleep :)

promise

----------------------------------


rating for the simpsons movie:
5.00000... stars - perfect - 1000% fun

It's a lifetime gurantee...

that Alevels will get u somewhere.
urgh.
sick and tired of all the stress.
yet i must persevere.

i realised.. i have a lot of
pressure. from everythng and
everyone around me. heesh.

well. it all boils down to me
finding a source of distress.

"i've got no motivation
where is my motivation?" - Longview

well.. my motivation lies in
me wanting a life in UNI. whee.

a better life.
n perhaps one day... a caravan..
hee. tht wld be said later in my
next post. i wrote a song... abt
him.


n i realised... for a long time
now.. that i wld never let him
go!!! IT'S A LIFETIME
GURANTEE. i wld never stop loving..
i wld never stop caring... heesh.

sounds familiar.. like some cheesy
love song. well. sometimes i have
to admit on the contrary to my
principle... thts how i am.
cheesy n eeky.

i realised this so called phenomenon
bcos even tho im disappointed
with him.. hurt by wat he does..
i still care for him.

you can erase someone from ur
mind. but not ur heart.
so its not easy... never easy.

n i also realised the way u
look at me. tht is a fact. it
cannot be hidden. maybe im
in denial or shok sendiri or
somethng. but wen 2 eyes
meet... there's no doubt abt
it.

i realised... u don relli tok
to many gurls. n i don hear
rumours bout u lyking other
gurls. so thts good..
n i lyk tht.
thnk god. never replace
me... please.. :T

Hold My Hands And Lead Me Up This Hill.

Jack and Jill went up
the hill to fetch a pail
of water.
Jack fell down n broke
his thumb and Jill went
tumbling after.

Such a simple nursery
rhyme has alot of meaning
to me. hah. i always say
tht people think too much.

n im doing the exact same
thng. contradicting my
philosophy. but... well at
least i don thnk too much
and thus go around creating
wars and tension in other
countries.

yes im referring to certain
political leaders hu just cant
make the cut. n then cause all the
disasters happening in the
world today.. like war...

well. its life.

n the key to living this is to
always be thankful for
wat we have... rather
than be angry with wat
we don have.

yeh. another philosophy of
mine. which i go against at
times. well. sometimes
emotions fill me up too much.
i cant help it. hah.

on the brighter side of thngs...
i finally felt alive once again
today! during p.e., we got to
play soccer. my fave sports!
woohoo! it was fun.

i was destressed. with all the
pressure on me now, i cant
bear it at times. always getting
emo these days. so things like
this make me happy... plus things
like: seeing him.. n seeing
tht he's happy. (staring at me,
gosh tht brings chills down my
spine.. i wonder wht his stares
mean?!)

but in general actually im
happy. well sometimes it hurts
wen i thnk of certain stuff
tht im sad abt... but at the end
of e day, im always happy. :)

so yeh.. we had soccer. den
i became high. gosh. i wished
he saw me play soccer. den
he would beam at me n be
proud of me.

or maybe not..

but hu cares... if he saw... i
wld still be happy.


hah. so yeh... soccer
was fun! finally got to play after
months of nt playing. surprisingly
i was pretty ok. i rmb all my
basics. hah.


then, tomoro me n e 'gang' r going
out to play bowling! woohoo!
happy me :) well i wld be happier
if there r More pple coming.
ahemz. well.. too bad. just the
few of us is ok. sometimes less is
more :)

yay! to marina sq we go! so we
can go makan2... n shopping.. heeh.
dono whther the guys wld like tht.

i guess they wld. n we hld have
loads of fun. somethng to really
look forward too. :D

ok...

now comes the point where explain
wht i mean by i find there's more
meaning to the 'jack and jill' rhyme.

Well.. i've always dreamt of being
in a place where there's just the
2 of us.. where it's a real utopia.
i've had a few incidences tht made
me thnk of the rhyme n why i
relate to it...

well.. once was wen in dis yr..
i dragged this guy i used to lyk
around.. (literally). as in... i held
his hand... and i just didnt care
wht pple might thnk. gosh if
HE noes abt it... wld he be jealous?

hah. well me n tht guy i use to
lyk were just frens ah. but we
used to tok alot.. n the one where
i held his hand was just one incidence
where i let loose n had fun.
'fren-fren' thng k.. sorta. well, me
holding his hand like tht brought
me into another world.

i tot of just us alone. where i can
feel perfect happiness n bliss. n
i can feel really alive. its just tht
dragging him around with me,
holding his hands was fun. cos
its something i neva done.. n
prob wldnt have dared to do
if it hadnt been for tht night,
when i wanted to let loose.

gosh. yeh.. tht was a few months
ago. sighs. wht fond memories
:) i loved those times!

n part of 'those times' was wen
my dreams n hopes didnt
crash yet. its dis guy... a great
guy hu made me thnk i stood
a chance. but then it vanished
wen i got to noe he has someone
else.

i rmb walking
with him... we were rushing...
because we forgot the time..
cldnt stop toking. sighs. :)
those were the days... n den
we went up this 'hill'.. n it
felt lyk a dream... he was
so caring.. n wen the 2 of
us were walking on it, it
felt like.. eveyrone arnd me
vanished.

n so its just the two of us.
n i imagined him holding
my hand.. n never letting
me go. making me feel secured,
with no fears.. we were like
jack n jill going up a hill...

thts wen our frenship started...
it escalated.. we became closer..
then things changed. when
he broke is thumb, when he
broke wht we had... n then jill,
me, i went down... down this
hill tht was painful for me...
cos the experience of finding
out that he has another, hurts
alot.

u may laugh at the way i
interprete the rhyme. haha.
but its real for me.

n then im in my real world
again. where there's a guy
tht i care for alot. since last
yr... den the other guys tht i
have liked before dont relli
matter to me. only HE does..

meeting them might bring
sparks back. but only one
person still remains in my
heart.

he's the one hu would
stay up all throught the
night with me... key word:
'Would'. now, we dont do
tht no more!? gosh wht has
happened. pls tok to me! :T

i miss you.

Speechless and redundant

Why was i so speechless just
now?

argh.

i will rmb this forever...

today's the day when i told
kamielah my secret. finally.

haha.

today's the day when we first
...

cant say abt tht... lets just say
i tok to him... quite awkward...

how 'dull' can life be?

i was so stumped just now.

i mean.. im happy tht it happened.
but wen i was toking to him,
i started to come bck to reality
n realise that 'me n him' is just
a fantasy.

why cant he just open his eyes
to see that i'm e one hu cares
abt him n KNOW him?!

gosh.

i still cant believe it happen.

More tho.. i'm motivated to
lose weight!woohoo.
BUT... i thnk he doesnt lyk
me.. just treat me as a fren.
so.. wats e pt..

i wanna not care abt him.
cos i have other priorities...
n i shld move on?
but feelings cant be erased just
lyk tht.

as they say:
'you can erase someone from
your mind.
but getting them out of your
heart is something else.'

im so trapped. if he wld just tell
me how he feels... but im stup
too.. i don say anythng... but
he's e guy. he shld tell me!
gosh. maybe he just
don feel anithng so yeah... there's
nothng to say.

but i wanna clear my doubt.
if he just wld tell me... i wld be
very happy... *sighs*

him lyking me too is the only
thng i've ever wanted. *sighs* :T

*he's not worth my tears*

(Life sux for me...

i'm not doing well in my studies...

not doing well in my social life or love

life...

not doing well with my hobbies/interests.

i almost have nothing! god pls save me. :I

Empty Apartment

I feel analytical...

My body is aching
My hands are trembling
i wanna die today
but i didnt
i didnt wanna

cut the crap.

heh.

im talking to fizah now...
SO exciting! (rolls eyes)

she forced me :)

no more prelims 1!
yay!

time for rest now...
woo-hoo!

pool mr.fool :)

New Hypothesis:

That he could actually like
me!?

no way in hell!

but i dono... it's fizah hu made
this hypothesis.

Well there is hope den.
but... i guess im not goin
to put all hopes into it.
i mite get disappointed with
him.

Oh the 'him' i am talking about...
is the person i always tok abt
on my blog. heh.

well.. if he does lyk me i thnk
it is stup tht he didnt say
anythng. gosh if he did ask
me... i will say YES straight
away!!! :)

heh. well.. fizah says she has
exp with these kinda guys.
they don say anythng bcos
they don want to play with
the hearts of those they care
for most...

awww... yeh... lyk thts ever
gonna happen. gosh. thts
fizah's hypothesis...

i dono.

if it is true... i wld tell him:
U won ever hurt me! cos the
day i'm with u is the day i'm e
happiest. :)

i read a cool chain letter
on frenster. its e first chain letter
i ever called COOL. but yeh..
its abt 10 signs tht u lyk someone.
n then... one of it says tht...
wen
ur reading this, ur thnking of tht
person.

n i WAS! i was thnking bout him.
but he's prob not thnking bout me.

haiz...

well... i really hope fizah's hypothesis
is true. if it is... i want him to
tell me he does like me :)

gosh. that will be the happiest
day of my life so far!

Drain the pressure from the Swelling

I HATE MATHS!!!

Maths paper yest was an
ASS.

It really make me DRAINed.
I then became PRESSUREd.
And my head had a SWELLING.

Someone please just
give me novacaine!

ROCKers

Gosh.
the other day... on sun
i thnk. i was up all night.

yeh. cos the reality
shows on tv are really
addictive. i got hook on it
after wtching for just 5
mins.

haha.

anyways tht day i wtched
Fear Factor twins special.
yep they're twins. they
look very identical. :)
there were 2 girl teams n 2
guy teams. so... the girl
teams r made up of:

-- 2 white bimbos, 2 bithy blacks

the guys:

-- 2 rednecks, 2 rocking moehogs

n the rednecks r chiseled...
they're very macho...
athletic... bodies like greek
gods. if greek gods do have muscular
bodies. haha.

yeh... BUT
norm gurls wld fall for them...
BUT i LOVE the moehog guys.
haha. they're lyk... blond.. skinny...
the host said they weigh abt
120 pnds each (abt 60kg)

BUT they're fucking hot to me.
haha. well. i DIG rockers. :P
yummy.
bluek! haha.
well there's just somethng abt
rockers tht make them look so
laid-back... so... cool. n have e
i dont care abt the world attitude.
n they're charismatic... funny.

haha.

unlike the boring macho guys.

i was rooting for the Moehog
twins all the way! haha.
n they WON! in e end woohoo!
they won 3/4 challenges. cool.

this is the pic of them...










abit of info abt them...




Name: Nathan Leone/Matthew Leone
Hometown: Chicago,IL
Occupation: Musicians

----------------------------------------

haiz. i have a soft spot..
lyk a fettish for these kinda guys.
so turn on-ing. hehehe.
rockers... woohoo! even tho
they're not cute... the twins
r blond, moehog-ed n have
cute dimples. :)

wen they smile... i melt. haha.
u can say tht it is a weird taste...
but i just love these kinda guys.
they're relli cute. (in a cool way)
im prob gonna marry a rocker
one day. :)

I'm gonna make this short and sweet

When I was upset and in a bad
mood 2 days ago...
there's this song tht kept playing
in my head. (e song lyrics is shown below)

i guess it shows all my anger
n frust towards tht certain
someone.

but sadly im more disappointed
with him.

i hate it tht...
we r both in 2 diff worlds right
now. he's with his new frens...
well im glad i did tok to him
on tht day...

but wht can i say... thngs r diff
now. i hate it.

now im listening to blink 182 songs.
yeh... the song playing now is
"first date". such a sweet funny
song. :)
i love them. one of my fave bands.
no.2 on my list. :)

see... me n him r so similar. (we
like the same kinda bands... n
songs...
i noe wht kinda music he like.)
yet he dont see it. pple dont see
it. only i see it. haiz...

so the blink 182 songs...
they're relli great. there's this
song: anothe girl another planet.
well i thnk i shld call it another
guy another planet in my case...
cos he's in another planet now.

yeh... n does he have flings
with other gurls? im so insecure
at tht part. i will just faint if
i noe he's with someone else.

wen i heard he's close with dis
gurl... to the pt of toking to her
on the phone for hours... sound
like he is replacing me. haiz. but
i noe she will never replace me.
cos me n him... our closeness..
haiz... its diff. other girls wont
care for him as much as i do...
he doesnt see tht either. sad...

argh. i cant stop thnking abt him.

so... i'm gonna make this
"Short and Sweet"

(a bit changed tho... to suit my
mood n situation)

----------------------------------------------

'Short and Sweet'
by Matchbook Romance
(a band HE doesnt like ;T
- if he reads this post... I thnk
he will noe im toking abt him...
if he doesnt, he's stupid.)

"I'm gonna make this short and sweet
i'm gonna let my heart speak
i've been so mad cause you treat me bad
but thats not what i would do

cause id kill for you
i'd do these things that i know she wouldnt do
i write these words and i want the truth
why cant i be with you
why cant i be the girl for you

she breaks your heart and she tells you lies
why do guys always for these girls
she never bothers to listen to you
but thats not what i would do

i'd kill for you
i'd do these things that i know she wouldnt do
i write these words and i want the truth
why cant i be with you
why cant i be the girl for you

why cant i be the girl for you..

i'd kill for you
i'd do these things that i know she wouldnt do
i write these words and i want the truth
why cant i be with you

i'd kill for you (id kill for you id kill for you)
i'd do these things that i know she wouldnt do
i write these words and i want the truth
(i cry for you i cry for you)
why cant i be with you
why cant i be the girl for you"

If all else fails

I love this song!!!

This song is dedicated to him... (ahem2)
and also to all those experiencing
hard love. :T

*emo all the way*

Song: If all else fails
by Matchbook Romance

A subdued silence undisturbed by the sound of her breath.
So carefully, brush her hair back from her eyes
In steady sequence, one by one.
She slips away.

So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go my heart remains with you.

And I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
But it's clear to see the purpose of my exsistance
Is laying here in front of me.

So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go

And if all else fails you can look up at the sky
Because it's the same one that shines above you and I.
And if all else fails you can close your eyes
And I'll be right beside you.
I'll be the one by your side.

So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go
No matter how much this hurts
I wanted you to know,
My heart remains with you.

----------------------------------------

side track a bit...
im gonna write down a blow by
blow detail of the vietnam trip
i had recently. :)

So send my LOVE a Letterbomb

I love this song.
Listened to it and I
find that it relates
alot to me. :T

This song is dedicated
to people who are
obsessed about the ones
they care.
such that they get trapped
n can never escape.

enjoy.

"Time Is Running Out" by MUSE

I think I'm drowning
Asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
That you've created

You're something beautiful
A contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction

You will be the death of me
You will be the death of me

Bury itI won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom
Bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted

Now that you know
I'm trapped sense of elation
You'd never dream of
Breaking this fixation

You will squeeze the life out of me
Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?
Oh

You will suck the life out of me

Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?
Oh

Like Hans Solo without Chewbacca

-- I quote from e
movie Blades of Glory

Its so fucking funny!
worth my money!
but to others it wont
be... cos some pple r
jus not into these kinda
comedies...

but i am!!! lurve it!
i dont lyk deep movies
tht make u pay to
think... haha.

comeides make u rlax.
plus... for tht show.
i applaud not only e actors.
but also e writers who are
so damn creative n brilliant!
their kinda comedy is totally
out of e world. (in a good
way)

Blades of glory -- about 2
ice skaters (sworn enemies) who
had to work together cos they
got kicked out of the national singles
division. For the first time... 2 men
on the ice. haha.

hillarious.

Okkiee...

Moving on. life's been better
ever since i got well
from my flu. haha.
wen ur sick u cant rmb
wat goes on arnd u. u jus
thnk abt urself n ur stup
illness n nothng else.

today im so excited...
e phone tht i had my eye
on now is on sale. woohoo.
im gonna buy it.

rather than being stuck with
my old hp. i appreciate it
alot... but thngs need to change.
;)

even kids much younger than
me only 9 or 10.. have hps
more modern than mine. haha.
they play it aloud n let e whole
world hear. like as tho its so cool
to be young n very much hip.
*roll eyes*

oh well. times have changed.
the first time i got my hp... thts my
old hp.. was in sec 2.

haiz. now pri skool kids have
hps with mp3 players etc. n
those hu dont r left out.. jealous...
poor thngs...

i donno why im so reflective
the whole of today...
i began to thnk of tht someone..
me n him last time.. how we
were... e times we had...

n then.. i drift on to these kinda
thngs...
argg.

i miss him.
i need his shoulder.
for me to lie on.
i need to hear his voice.
to make me feel alive again.

im emo. :T

I'm speechless and redundant

about... Innova's Speakers Award.

I totally didnt expect it.
As I walked on stage with
only a mike to bank on,
I was terrified as hell.

But I just went on.

And with familiar faces all
around me...
I felt like...
bursting out laughing.

I was multi-tasking as I
spoke. While I was speaking,
I was trying to flip my notes,
looking at the audience, looking
at them stone, trying to see
wht the judges were looking at
and trying to see if someone was
there watching me.

hah.

wow. not as easy as it sounds.
definitely. 3mins only... yet it
seemed lyk hours.

its not my first time speaking
or performing. i don't have
much probs with stage fright.
but i have a prob with my
confidence and self esteem.

so when i won... i relli didnt
expect it. :) i was smiling ear
to ear like a bafoon but i
didnt care. haha. :D

and best of all...
pple did care. e one i wanted
to care wasnt there.
the one i ddnt expect cared.
n i was damn happy bout
tht.

the first person to msg me
after i spoke... i ddnt expect
tht at all. wow.

tht made my day EVEN MORE
than it cld have already been
made. :)

actually, i was sick on tht day.
tht brought me down-ner. but
i did my best. n i guess...
hikmah di sebalik my sickness...
i hope tht goes e same for my
gp...
argg i didnt finish summary!!!


hah. bt thts over. i did my best.
wht can i say.

Hmmm. wht else...
oh yeah. the diff. btw
performing music n
speaking... is VERY BIG.
haha.

when i'm with my band, i have
others to bank on.
if i perform solo, im at my comfort
zone cos i have my guitar.
my precious guitar is like
my rock. somehow when i
perform with my guitar
i dont feel scared.

it gives me inspiration.
i love it. :)

but... when i speak with
my voice... argh! fear rises.
haha.

but its weird. im so glad.
this is e 1st time i got
first for an oratorical
contest. at jc some more!
hah. e most i got 2nd
at crescent...

tats e part im so dumfounded
abt...
haiz...
im so lucky. im relli loving
life. besides alevel stress
haunting me... life's great. haha.

ohh. n i love it tht all
e pple arnd me... my frens
n family r happy for me.
alot of u congratulate me.
thnx loads guys!! :)
i keep saying thnks on tht
day. i wanted to say more
than tht to my frens.
but im too speechless. hah.

so sincerely my thnx to all
hu congrat. me n r happy
for me!

i'm relli happy. :)

gosh. wish u were there. :T

My Worry rock

In malay class now.
Im so bored.
haha.

there's econs test
after this.
good luck all.

Short and Sweet: Poprocks and Coke.

My emo fever is back.
For me, the fad tht i face
wld prob be the emo
trend. haha.

or maybe its just based
on my mood.

or maybe my emo-ness
has always been there.
its just tht i shift my
thought away frm it.

Argg.
All I know is that:

u brighten up my day.
i wanna impress you.
make you believe that
i am worth your while.

make u thnk i stand a
chance. make u change ur
mind. tht i can attract.
even tho im not a magnet.

i still rmb ur exact words.
u thought im just ok.
is tht it? is tht it?

and just e other day...

we crossed paths.
i felt happy.
just a simple wave from
you. and im smiling till
e night's dead.

just 15 mins of us on
the phone and i can't
sleep. cause im thnking
of you. and our world
never ends.

maybe love will come through... :T

Maybe You Know. I don't...

Argg!!!

It sucks
when thing are so unclear.

But...
Let's not make things obvious.

So...
The post ends here.
I shall tok abt other stuff
on here from now on...

I'm gonna be repressed*

No one knows. I don't...

If friends are disposable,
I wanna delete you and...
YOU!
out of my life.

But then again...
I want you.

I'm a walking contradiction.

- How depressing today is
all cause of one thng.
it ruined my whole day.

Today is the day i found out..
today is the day my dreams
n hopes Crashed n Burned.
2 day is the day i let go...

My heart is aching.
I'm only startng to want you..
but now its over.
i'll get distant. i swear.

Nice guys finish last
they say...
i'm nice n tht prob is
ruining me...

Ur nice n thts what
makes me lyk you.
Ok stop.
I'm gonna let go...

Fuck. you're with someone
else.

We would stay up all through the night

What's happening
The Bubble's burst...
You're playing your
own game.
And now I'm in mine...

: Let's make it clear :


This is what it means:

What's happening...

The bubble of perfection...
Our world together... just
the two of us... is gone

You're leading your own life
in your own world...
(forgetting me)

And now, I'm leading my own
life... in my own world.
(things have changed.
i hate it)

-----------------------------------------

I don't get you
either.

Maybe love will come through...

Prosthetic Head

-This post is dedicated to
people who are social
parasites. -

I see you, down in the front line.
Such a sight for sore eyes,
you're a suicide makeover.

Plastic eyes,
lookin' through a numbskull.
Self-effaced, what's his face.
You erased yourself so shut up.
You don't let up.

You have a growth
that must be treated
Like a severed severe
pain in the neck.
You can smell it but
you can't see it.
No explanation identified

'cause you don't know.
You don't say.
And you got no reply.

Hey you, where did you come from?
Got a head full of lead, you're an
inbred bastard son.
All dressed up, red blooded, Amannequin
Do or die, no reply, don't deny that you're
synthetic.
You're pathetic.

-- "Prosthetic Head" by Green Day

He took the seat off his own bike because of the way that it felt

And I'm thinking bout the only road..
One I've never known
And I know its all that I've wanted

-- Macy's day parade --

Whee. Im cookie.
Screaming my lungs out.
Singing green day songs.
Not knowing what to do with life.
yet doing my hw.
reluctantly.

haiz..

thats life.
it's get typical.

well.. this weekend was orite for me.
on fri night i went for
Crez Awards.

Not relli worth the money...
i wldnt go...
if it wasnt for the highlights of
the night...
n the fact tht crescent is my
alma mater. :)) till forever..
haha. what crap.

yeh. crez awards was fun.
finally got to see nad again.
after months.. gosh.
so many thngs happened.
to her.. to me.. n yet we r
so oblivious. cos we ddnt meet
up. sad.

then sat was relli dull.
ptm.. yeh. wtever..
den. i slept thru e whole day.
haha. sleepy as hell.

den today.. woah. usual
again. went to PUB
newater for service again.
quite fun. hopefully i can
finish tht as soon as poss.

oh. the weirdest thng...
firah n fizah(r) came to
my hse today to study.
poor thngs had no place
to go. haha. u guys can
come my hse any time
if u want k.. :)

k. accept if my mum's home.
haha. she don relli like
visitors. but besides tht,
hey ho the dairy oh...
haha. crap.

i need a new hp!!
i wanna buy sony ericsson's
flip phone in may. its's so
pretty. damn y did my sis
have to make me fall in love
with it.

I'm in love with so many
thngs. haha. yeah rite..
k. i got one true love. ;)

he wld come in my dreams..
he makes my heart skip a
beat.
i get goosebumps.
i miss his voice.
i wanna hear it everyday.
i wanna be a part of his life.
he is so great. he has faults
but i still love him...

he is...

BILLIE joe armstrong!!!

haha. fooled u ddnt I!
why wld i tell everyone e
truth!!! :T

heehee.
but i do love billie.
but let the other just be a
part of my dream.

I feel a
"desperation murmur of
the heartbeat" -- Homecoming

I feel tht
he hates me.

Cos he ignores me.
It's been 2 months.
But I just carry on.
thnking abt my impt yr
dis yr.

I get desperate.
Unsure. Gullible n
confused.

I can do nothing but stare
at u from afar.
n this is the first time.
usually i can go to u.
but now im held back..

'i see u down in the front line.
such a sight for sore eyes.
ur a sucide makeover' --
Prostethic Hate

but i cherish
all the time we had.
the time of OUR life..

*[just rmb dear, im different
from the rest.
we share something so
common, it is uncanny.

i dont understand. do u
appreciate me? do u care?
i wan u to thnk for a sec...
all the times we had..

us singing our fave songs
we jus sing
oblivious to wht it means
'if u live with me I'll die
for u and this compromise.'

is this significant to u?

rmb the times we laughed.
our crazy times.
we cldnt breathe. i held
so tightly to wht he had...
but now there's none.

dont u miss all tht?
all the times we had...

think for a sec.
ur losing out...
ur losing me...]*

*i need u.*i want u.*

Gotta Make a Plan. Gotta Do What's Right.

I'm so fucking lazy.
Yeah. And I'm an ass.

I'm so lazy to blog.
I dono why I'm here.
Writing all this crap.

Well. lets jus summarize
wht happened last wk.
alot of strange stuff
actually.

hmm. i cant relli thnk
right now. haha.

okk.. so basically.. there
was jammin on wed. rmb
tht.. haha.

not much of a jammin
actually. my guitar string
broke. damn.

i was irritated on tht day.
once again.

Thurs was not bad..
hah. lyk real.. well alrite ah.
morn was great.. haha.
afternoon.. haiz.. met someone.
tok to em. ok ok..

so.. im gonna strt doin service
stuff. at the NEwater place.
NEwater, yucks! haha. some
say there's no diff. well.. to
each his own.

ok.. im lazy to type anymore.
shit. I just hope I dont forget
all the stuff tht happen last wk.

Lyk kes jel.. haha. wth.

Live Without Warning

Is there such a thing as the
theory of balancing out?

My whole of last week was
depressing.
Then today... some parts of
today... was great. Looking
up to be a good week.

Den everythng sinks down
the drain again.
Its hard to think of the good
things that happen. The bad
things only haunts us more.

I only hope everythng will
balance out again.
I feel that I can only get happy
for one period of time only.
After tht i will get bored
again irritated.. argg. is it some
sort of diesease or a normal
thing?

Perhaps it will balance out.
But I had a major breakthrough
today... i jus realised tht I can
never be the person I badly
wanna be.

No one will look at me twice.
No one will think I have personality.

Sorry here. low self esteem
speaking. I just feel... (haha.
lyk i told fizah today) that
'aku rasa posisi aku dah
tergugat.' hah. i dont noe
whther tht seems sensible but
seriously.. its just e way it is.

i feel tht im no where near
anythng...
not in my studies.. not in my
social life...
im lyk a floating piece of wood
not knowing where to go.

N i always pray to god to help
show the right direction to me.
sounds all so serious. haha. but
really. i hope i will be given the
'light'. haha. k. dont laugh.

ok. i quote from this song:
'Well i've got some scattered
pictures lying on my bedroom
floor. It reminds me of the times
we shared. Makes me wish that
you were here...
Cause now it seems I've forgotten
my purpose in this life.."
-- from 'Scattered' -- Green Day.

I just cant thnk anymore. I cant focus.
Maybe it is love sick. well.. wht to
do. I force myself to be in this state.
I better get out soon.

Oh. Finally I told fizah everyting.
my secrets... hehehe. Im glad i told
her. at last i have someone to share
my secrets with. its so hard to meet
fizah everyday n not being able
to tell her how i feel abt tht someone.
N i thnk narimah noes also.. hahaha.
;) kinda slipped out. Well...

All I can say is...
'I will be more vain for you.
I will be all out for you.
But I will never change myself for you.'

Forget it.. I'm gonna ask aisyah for a
favour. That might make me happier.

Basically,
Stress + A level year +my family +
love sick + pessimism = giving up

There.. a maths equation for u.
Hopefully it just can balance out
in the end.

Get your philosophy from a bumper sticker

Everythng's kinda fine now.
yet there's potential tht
volcano larva is abt to erupt
out of me any time soon.

argg.

Don't u ever get the feeling
that u feel shock with ur identity?
I cant believe this is who i
am at times... also i cant
imagine ME being anyone
else.

yet.. sometimes u wish u are.
u wish to step out from the
real you n be someone ur
not. but thts not right...
n i cant do tht cos i don thnk
i will be able to handle being
someone else.

gosh. i shldnt even question
my own identity. this is hu
i am. i have to accept it.

but i dono... can others
accept it?

it doesnt matter wht other
pple thnk.
true philosphy of a punk
rocker. hah.

but.. it matters wht those
pple u care abt thnk.
u want them to lyk u.
but u cant. they jus lyk
u as a fren.

thts my identity.
im the next door fren.
the one u don treat
seriously. e one u
jus wanna chat with.

for the sake of just wanting
to get information?
or do they really care? do
they really truly wanna tok
to u?

n wen u tok...
do they truly listen?

rhetoric questions.
no point here.

what im saying.
what im typing.

it relates to my life.
n im pretty sure everyone
else's as well.
sometimes we dont get what
we want.

perhaps wht we want is asking
too much.
we need to be grateful for wht
we have.
but sometimes we jus want it
so badly.
but we still cant get it.

shld we give up?
never say never?
haha.

i shld jus be glad tht i can
still.. still able to tok... tok
to pple. hmmm.

doesnt make much sense.
nvm.
maybe some day everyone
will understand.

cos i keep my feelings
secret. haha. i don even
tell hafizah! abt hu i lyk..

but i noe. i thnk
she noes. she understands.
if its not time for me to tell
her... its just not time yet..

haha. ok. stop emoing n being
cheesy.. argg. nope nope.
im still emo. plus pms is getting
me hormones running high.
haha.

i guess i'll just keep everythng
as prt of my memory.
n treasure it.
n jus noe tht at least i have tht
to salvage.

ok...

so moving on to CCA fair.
again i wanted to type career fair.
haha. oops mistake.

Well. there's only one word for it..

I was going to say : DEAD

but then it was kinda FUN for me.
haha. i guess cos alot of thngs
keep me entertained. hehe.
hmmm...

like i get to listen n groove to
live cool music. heh. n also get
to jam. :)

best prt.. i noe im gettin closer.
get to be emo with pple.
hah. but i get this feeling
again.. dejavu. its lyk i get
closer to pple but i realise
its all too dangerous. i get my
hopes up. i get mixed signals.

but i noe its all not worth it.
cos pple don feel wht i feel.
so then whts e point?

haiz. one-sided-ness sucks.

but still wht i can say
today was fun.
cos pple were nice today.
hehe.

pple were funny. crazy.
there were turn-off points
but still wht can i say..
pple will remain pple.

i cannot deny tht i feel
for pple.

still dono wht im toking abt?
haha. its ok. :)

I hereby solemly swear...

To not lose my handphone
ever again!!!

argg.

yes. the most unfortunate
thing happened to me today.
luckily i still have my old
sim card. e one with my old
no. n my old phone.
n luckily i still have my mp3..

errr. thts wen i thnk i dropped
my hp. wen i was too engrossed
thnking abt where i put my mp3.
i think i put my mp3 in my
pocket n it dropped. most prob
in the bus.

while on e way home. shld i continue
searching for my hp? but jus now
i did. i trailed back the route i took.
urgh. i felt a sudden sense of
panic first. then frustration.

then regret.
i lost all my messages!!!
argg. haiz... some phone no.s.
my hp is lyk my everytng.
almost.

its not abt the materialistic
part. its abt e sentiments
n memories my hp brings.
all these cannot be bought
with money. i cant replace
them! haiz.

i also lost all the pics i took
on my hp! haiz.

i almost killed myself wen
i once accidentally deleted
all the messages in my
inbox. and now this! argg.

but i tell to myself. the
important thng is not
the msgs. but the memories
i have n will cherish. but
the msgs r the thngs tht
make me rmb all the thngs
tht happen in my life!

haiz. well. nvm as my fren
say.. maybe there's a
'hikmah' to all this.

wht am i goin to tell my mom!
argg.

memories... haiz.
i will jus cherish them.
n to make me not forget them..
i shall promise to myself to make
a blog or diary. n write down
all e memories i have..

of you.. of me.. haiz.

now i gtg n call wdlands interchange.
my last hope.

The cat's caught in the dryer

New band name?
hahha. yeh rite.

so.. this sunday..
me, wan n rusydi went
to jam at rythm masala.

haha. wht a name rite..
but i been there b4
with my band entourage.
to have extra prac. missed
those times. haiz.

well. we're all getting distant.

but who cares when i know
pple hu lyk ta jam green day.
hehe. so hack the rest. :P

yes. my weekend was packed.
n relli fun.

sunday was great. haha. wen
the 3 of us tot of tht.. our
minds straight away wen to
'church on sunday'. :)

Wan wanted to see my
enthu-ness for green day n
hmm. im sure he did. haha.

first we met at wdl. i was late.
supposed to meet rusydi at
our block. but.. oh well. i had to
settle some family thng first.

wan was late. expected. haha.
so i met both of them at wdl
mrt. then we took bus 969 to
the studio. but it was closed.
but wan said it wld be opened
soon.

so we went to e coffee shop.
lepak-lepak for a while. i
was SO hungry. i went to eat.
the food was delicious.
(note to self: must always go
there to eat!)

haha. the place is at chompang
near yishun. the 3 of us den
were jus chatting. tok abt green
day mostly. haha. sometimes
rusydi n wan tok abt dono
wat. i just keep quite. heh.

i saw this adorable kitten. poor
thng. its paw was injured. n
rusydi can make jokes abt it.
haha. grunge n all. :T
but fun ah. he's becoming more
n more lyk someone i noe.

i guess his influence is strong.
stairway to heaven... haha.

after tht.. we went to jam.
yay! but it felt so short la.
even tho it was an hour.

i had to admit i ddnt noe how
to play most of the songs.
cos i lack the practice. sorry
guys. but they dont mind.
nice pple. heh. :)

k. so i promise i will prac n noe
how to play all green day songs.
the funny thng is.. the songs
i noe.. i learnt.. we didnt jam.

heh. but nvm la. it was fun
anyways. jus cos both of them
r relli funny n fun to hang out
with. rusydi.. with his grungeness.
haha. everytng oso grunge. :)

we saw this uncle at e coffee shop.
his hair all messy, long. very
grunge. haha. but he was wearing
a singlet n he had a pot belly.
not so grunge after all? heh.

den we saw him again. he passed
the studio. but this time he
was on a bicycle. haha. relli
cracked me up. wen i saw him.
me n rusydi were laughing lyk
hell. n i thnk wan was lost with
wht we were thnking abt. haha.

also.. i saw this young guy.. teen..
he was carrying 2 bicycle tires
in his hand. haha. den he was
chasing his friend hu was on a bike.
on e road?! haha. wth..

funny sights.. haha. me n rusydi
gagged all the way.. then we
got in e studio. finally. hah.

i got to sing 'american idiot.'
woo-hoo. relli fun. but the
funnest song for me wld prob
have to be 'waiting' or hmmm...
'church on sunday'. i forgot.
all i know is tht i rocked out
lyk shit for tht song. haha.

it was relli fun. wen we head
to e coffeshop again n back home,
we were toking abt green day.
wht makes us lyk them so much.

oso i told rusydi abt some stuff,
some jokes. haha. abt 'rolling'
or 'golek-ing' as a method to lose
weight. haha. this is suggested
by someone hu just loves to
thnk out of the box. way out...
haha. :)

rusydi laughed lyk hell wen i told
him abt tht joke. haha. roll
around the track n the red thngs
on it act as 'acupuncture'. hahaha.
wth. but it is funny.

n he told me abt 'stairway to
heaven'. hahaha. i thnk he told
me tht at the coffeeshop b4 we
jammed. haha. the unfinished
bridge outside our school is the
stairway to heaven.

imagine! if we walked on it.. we
wld plummet straight to our
deaths. :T n up to heaven! haha.
but someone says.. we must have
confidence. 'kena yakin diri'!
haha. also.. we tok abt how this
person have certain expressions
wen he tok. haha.

i guess.. e conversation was mostly
abt this someone or.. green day.

haha. wow. it was relli fun esp
till all e way to my block. ;)

Castaway - I'm on a mission - an expedition

Hey hey
this is probably one of the last
few times im gonna blog
for this month.

cos its exam time.
argggg. im so unprepared.

For today.. i want to write
on wht happened on sat.
i been busy. now im findin
time to blog.

Basically, on sat we went
to e zoo! heheh.
n by WE.. i mean the MLEP
students. well.. some only.

20 of us. then i got to know
more of the j1s. hah. relli
nice pple. yep.

it was a fun day. firstly it
was quite ok only. but i
get to observe cute kids!
haha.

lets start with.. getting to
e zoo. well.. i was late. hah.
as usual. arg. don blame me.
:T it was my stomach. hehe.
big ache.

den i caused everyone to be
late. cos they were waiting for
me. sorry guys. again. heh.
i met up with 2 of these j1 gals..
hajar n hmm. cant rmb. hehe.
oso with narimah n rusydi.
at wdl mrt. took train to amk.

rusydi asked abt our jammin
thng for sunday. haha. i said
onz ah! gosh. this onz thing is
relli influencing me alot. :P

so.. i was excited. with the idea
of jammin with 2 green day
fans. yay! haha. finally some
jammin songs i can relli look
forward to..

so at amk.. ilham n gang were
waiting for us. then we took
bus 138. (haha. yes. im very
detailed)

we walked to the interchange.
on e way.. me n rusydi were
singing greenday songs. heh.
thnking abt wht songs we
wanted to jam... oso he told me
abt tht time he got lost at amk
n asked a lil boy for directions.

haha. hillarious.
den we missed the bus. gosh.
so we had to wait at the
interchange. for abt another
10 mins. haha. but it was fun.

cos me n rusydi tok abt green
day.. mostly. haha. well its fun
to share the same interest with
someone. heh. it was relli fun.

n all e way to e bus too.. in there
we were listening to green day
songs. well. half his ear was
listening to my mp3 n half to
his hp. haha. funny sia. fun too.

oh ya. i let him listen to 'blood, sex
and booze'. this song.. abt hmm.
lets jus say.. bondage. haha. yeah.
really. first time he listen to this
green day song. poor thng. tht song
is relli nice. :)

so.. the bus trip was relli long. yeh.
cos the bus was slow. but hu cares
when you're having fun. grunge all
e way. hehe.

well. i jus got to noe rusydi for a few
weeks. abt 1 month. but we r
havin loads of fun. hahah. cos
of green day. :)

ok. so we reached the zoo. n i thnk
the organizers arnt happy with
our grp. oops. i wanted to say sorry.
but nothng came out. haha. i jus
paid attention. i was jus too excited
to worry abt anythng else. hah.

so.. i was assigned.. sadly.. to the
'reading trail' booth. basically me
n narimah had to tear coupons
from e families n then give them
e booklet they r supposed to fill
up. the parents will ask us qns.
but we ourselves r very blur. argg.

but we began to ask e organisers
qns. i guess we cant depend too much
on them telling us wht to do. we
had to ask them.

i was so hungry. i cld eat... narimah.
haha. but thnk god. at arnd 10.30 we
had a break. ate kfc. burger n pepsi.

den.. aft tht we had a telematch. it
was a race. where parents n children
r involved. i got to see so many
families. some were not purely malays.
there were mixed pple. aww. n some of
them r so adorable esp cos they're mixed.

for the race, i took one group. they were
very very onz! enthu^infinity. haha.
3 of them are half indian. the parent
malay n with his child... well i glad i
took them. haha. they were adorable.

well. we won second. haha. i ddnt participate.
jus had to carry the SINGA sign. haha.
thts our grp's name. the kids
were roaring (literally) with enthusiasm.
hah. aft the thng.. e mum of the 3 kids
asked them to take a pic with me,
'kakak singa' (lion sis) hahah.

wht a joke.

well i won myself a sticker book.
haha.
which i teared it open with rusydi.
hehe.
den we shared goodie bags. he gave
me all the raisin buns. idiot. haha.

den we were all emo when they
were giving out the prizes. cos
we were facing the lake. n then
looking out. n being so bored.
haha.

it was overall a relli fun day.
aft the thng, we took photo as
a grp. we went around the zoo.
n got all tired n hot. haha.

gosh. i wanted to abduct one
of the children there. relli
cute. :)

What Went Wrong

I'm sick of always hearing
All the sad songs on the radio
All day it is there to remind
an over sensitive guy
That he's lost and alone, yeah

I hate our favorite restaurant,
our favorite movie, our favorite
show
We would stay up all through
the night
We would laugh and get high
And never answer the phone

I can't forgive
Can't forget
Can't give in
What went wrong...
Cause you said this was right
You fucked up my life

I'm sick of always hearing
Sappy love songs on the radio
This place is fucking cursed
and it's plagued
And I can never escape
when my heart it explodes

I can't forgive
Can't forget
Can't give in
What went wrong...
Cause you said this was right
You fucked up my life

I'm kicking out fiercely at the world
around me
What went wrong...
I'm kicking

(c)
Blink 182
'What Went Wrong'
Take off your pants and jacket

Now the routine's turning to contention

Now I cannot speak
I lost my voice
I'm speechless and redundant
Cos "I love you's" not enough
I'm lost for words.

This is how im feeling.
I think we're getting distant.
Such that talking to each other
is redundant.

Argg. I think that is how he feels
about me.

Sad situation.

But there's hope.

Let's just say other factors...
other people... other things...
can make me feel happy.

but it's hard.

Especially today.
I just feel crappy thruout.
n yet.. jus now during lunch
i was crazy!!! haha.

took stup vids with fizah. hah.
poor kam's hp.
full of US! ;)
but den i get bck to reality.
n i become so pissed off with
everytng n everyone arnd me.

kam n fizah asked me to relax
dur our hist debate. i was so
heated up. literally speaking
as well..
sorry guys if i seem so mad n
irritated e hell out of u all by
stoning so bad. haha.

well.. i was in a bad mood today.
arrgg. sorry guys.

i was in such a bad mood tht..
i was relli
irritated with e way my frens'
speak. with e way everyone
does their stuff. erm.

its lyk i cant stand certain
things abt certain pple. lyk
pple hu try to hard, pple hu
crave attention, etc. etc.
long story... its just
my personality. hah.

they prob thnk im a bitch.

sorry guys! bad mood ler.
hopefully i change tomoro..
hah.

i realise that im very mood-
motivated. hah. not moody.
just motivated by mood.
my actions r determined by
my mood at times...

most of the times tho i follow
both e brain n heart. not jus
heart. but at times i cant help
it. hah.

yeah. i was so pissy today.
i thnk i have e 'murder look'
in my eye. haha.

den i had to go all e way to hougang
today. agg. to e clinic.
i rushed all e way.
thts a long story too. haha.

i really have no time now. haha.

i jus wanna say tht today i bad mood.
so if i seem diff. hah. sorry.

wah. one last thng.. i miss u. argg.
i indirectly told him i love him. heh.

n i cant believe my classmates thnk
i flirt with ... !? haha. ooh. no names.
jus a 'nice' thng tht seri calls him
mr flirt. haha. :)

Poprocks and Coke

Life is getting better n better.

haha.

perhaps thts the case for me
cos i've just gone through a
whole post-pms, post-anger
stage.

just yest i felt so angry.
so agitated n irritated by
everyone around me.
its almost as if everyone
around me r flies.

haha. hmm. literal meaning?
i thnk not.

so.. perhaps im feeling better
cos my mind has relaxed.
after goin thru a 'rough' few
days, i guess today is considered
a really good day. haha. no
stress.

n.. im not thnking too much abt
certain probs. more lyk other
pple's probs. i jus 'lek one
corner'. haha. wat a right
attitude! :P

Also...
my luck is beginning to change
i guess. today has been really
relaxed for me. the idea of
studying or focusing on other
thngs jus totally burst my
bubble of happiness.

hah. yeah. i still thnk of my
studies. but i cldnt care less.

let my happiness last for at
least one day. or shall i say.
hmm. 12 hrs. haha.

yes. alot of laughter by me.

well. i feel more alive today.

hmmm. i jus feel glad. hah.

ok la..
perhaps there are other
influences as well.

Ok. i have to admit it.
someone made my day ah!

haha. well, thanks so much!
im glad we went out.
cos i feel tht i made a new
fren. so.. its fun ah! :)
plus he's super nice! heh.

n lyks green day :D

but i ddnt only go out with him..
my cousin followed. n erm. lets just
say.. i ddnt relli tell her tht
he wld be coming along. hehe.

hmmm. cheeky me.

:P

anyways.. moving on..
i totally feel puzzled by certain
things.

There are certain similarites n
differences between pple i noe.
I compare pple i noe with each
other. n i get bemused.

i dono.. everyone has their flaws.
but whose are more tolerable?

but its not only abt knowing e
other person's flaws.
but its about the feelings u have
for the other.

arrgg.

to be more specific but
still not givin exact details...
(heh. malu to tell every single
thng ah)

i just cant forget the past.
when there's a present, u still
reflect on the past. U still love
the past n want to enjoy every
memories of the past.

The past will still remain the first.
n the present cant change the
past. The past still remains
unsolvable n i just cant
understand the past.

should we dwell on the past?
and be ignorant of the present.
The past is too precious. Even
tho I know that the past will
never see me as more than a fren.

I'm just a fren of the past.
As time passes by, we will find tht
the past is lyk this. Its just our friend.
It fills our memories. It is our
first love. We can never forget our
past. We can never change our past.

But I feel that the past might
have forgotten me. The past did not
console me. It did not make me
feel better. Perhaps it might all
change. But i don't want it too.

The thought of me living the present
brings me great happiness.
But, the thought of me dwelling on
the past, makes me disappointed
and rejected.

Yet I know...
that underneath it all.. even tho I
try to move on from the past, that
I can never forget the past and will
still love the past.

*Vdae Special* - Another Sentimental Arguement

The season of love is in!

Love for me is always out.

Haiz.

haha.

But I still have my fun.

With my frens.
My surroundings.
With you..

"The friendship we made is
a waste of our time?" - AAA

Hmm.

Perhaps it is.
But I will just put that aside.
Actually I cherish our frenship.
BUT.. argh. its just too intense
to thnk abt.

Ok. i know i sound random.
cos... no one noes who the HELL im
toking about. ok. fuck it. nvm.

SO.. lets see. lets get bck to
daily events.

So far.. it has been a great 2 days.
Yesterday night was great.
It was the 'Vdae Mini Concert'!
yay! *claps*claps*

haha.

i played orite ah. i didnt play my best.
cos someone stup made me
nervous lyk hell wen im actually
not. argg. :) and yet.. hmmm.

anyways.. yeah. i played ok only.
i cld play better. tot i
cld impress... people... but..
wen i tink abt it.. pple wont be.
"cos no one wants to hear a
drunkard fool". yeah thts how i
felt. low self esteem speaking.

haha.

but in any case i tot it was a great
night jus cos my frens were all with
me. :)

after the concert, we ended of with
our crazy night. all us musicians
went to eat tagether. not everyone
ah. but pple i noe. :) haha.

oh. dur the concert... i cant believe
rusydi actually said tht he thnk pple
hu lyk Green Day rox! hahaha.
he so funny. :) i mean. i thnk its cool
of him to say tht. but.. hmm. i wonder
wat e rest thnk?! haha.

pple thnk we're two CRAZY hardcore
GD fan tht belongs in e Idiot Club. haha.

In any case. green day rox! muahahah.

anyways.. rusydi is this j1 guy i got to
know recently. this, so far, is wht i noe abt
him: he loves green day, is crazy n is
my neigbour hu always shouts 'gol'
wen there's a football telecast on TV.

haha. coincidence perhaps? :)

Ok. now serious business.

LOVE!!! yeah. right.

haha.

Love is overrated. Vdae is superficial.

haha. yet its sweet n romantic.
argg. i neva had a great vdae b4. haha.
not tht i wnt one. but it wld be cool
to have one. :)

i cant believe all e cool romantic stuff
i heard today. lyk Izz. she got a secret
admirer. gosh. he sent her roses n
sweets at her doorstep! awww.

n den a few other pple i saw. were
carrying flowers n plastic bags full
of prezzies.

for some, its from their dearie.
awww. some of their prezzies r so
cool n sweet. very totful. it
doesnt have to be materialistic.
just a simple rose tells it all. haha.

n den today was a celeb of frenship
as well. pple getting prezzies frm
diff frens. its jus so cool how pple
actually took e effort to buy sweets
for all. haha. :)

oh. thanks to all hu gave me sweets!
:)

yeh. vdae for me is not relli much of
a celeb. firstly.. we r not spposed to
believe in it. yeh. i mean.. its a long
story.. related to religion. nvm.

but besides tht, to me vdae also is
superficial. i thnk there shld not be
ONLY one day whereby u shld celeb
love.

i noe its so called a special day n all..
but u shld also show love for the person
for everyday of ur lives. then a r/ship is
more meaningful. :)

haiz.

n for me.. my social callender can be
compared to an abandoned field full of
dying weed. haha. k. thts a bit
exaggerating.

but skool IS very draining.

n i have no luck with love.
none at all. n i don noe why.
perhaps im ugly. haha. thts y no
one wants me. ahahah.

actually its not tht im desperate to
find a bf. just tht. arrgg. it jus
is great to experience tht one day.
n hopefully before i turn 18. haha.

i thnk i jus let out a secret. haha.
there. confessions of Fahimah Azman.

sad lil bitch. haha.

yes. i can still laugh abt it. cos i have
hope n faith. :T

i guess.

n there.. vdae just ended! its 15 feb!

Promise To Go To Church On Sunday

Argggg. Church on sunday!

I just love this song.

And as i am typing this.
I just realized that the so
called newer version of
'blogger' have just created
e dictionary check for
each post.

What stupidity. I now need
to type in full words. no
more short forms. argh.
but i don care.

also e newer version of
blogger is so much uglier.
yucks.

haha.

Anyways.. today has been
a great day. Or shld i say
afternoon. haha.

We had the Vdae rehearsal in
the afternoon. it started pretty
late. but it was fun. anythng
with music.. guitars.. green day
and... hmmm... (ahem!)

its always fun.

well now the song
church on sunday is stuck in
my head. not that it is bad or
anythng. haha. but it is
just amazing to me.

I love this song. tho i don
rmb some parts of it. still e
chorus is so sweet n rocking.

This song is by the ultimate..
GREEN DAY..
n the frontman, billie joe, wrote
this song for his dearest wife
Adrianne, cos they were having
a 'rocky' marriage. They've been,
to date, married for abt 12 years.
They're great. haiz.

Its called 'church on sunday' cos
he's telling his wife to go with him
to the church on a Sunday to
'renew' their marriage vows. AWW.
so sweet. n then they will 'go out on
friday night'.

The typical sweet song.
similar to 'first date' from blink
and '2000 light yrs' from greend.

N i was 'menCHEH-CHEH' -ing
the whole today. haha. i thnk
some pple will get wht tht means.

Overall today.. new fren found.
frenships deepen.
haha. i love my class. :)

Great job for the haunted house!
- i@fun.
Also kudos to e other classes hu
made it thru all our nonsense. n
my class hu stood by all the probs.
:) :)

but i@fun was pretty much a flop.
It was so fucking hot around
the track.
There were only a few drink stalls.
The heat was melting all the ice.

Those r just MAJOR setbcks.
but worse is tht the stalls are
pretty 'elementary'. nothng
special. very sec skool carnival.
I@fun was
not FUN. the only fun prt was
prob seeing my old frens again.
haha. but it was alrite.


great job pple! :)

i have to pay 10 bucks for the tix
not sold. urgh. damn u fir!

haha.

*halo halo neighbour!
right opposite to me!* :)

Cruel Intentions

Everyone has a certain degree
of EVIL in them.

Some..

Are just pure evil.

I am nice in general.
hah.
Well.. I lyk to thnk that I am.
So.. I dont usually become evil.

But.. ever since the whole
"incident" I thnk tht i am.
Its not much. Just that... I
wanted to speak my mind. SO
i wrote how I felt on my blog.

Is that so much so evil n mean?

I can be straightforward wen i
want to.
but in general im pretty secretive.
n hide my feelings.

But. I just had to say it. It was my
cause.
Hrm. But he seems ok abt wat I
wrote.
Is he oblivious or ignorant?

either way..

wat matters is wat I wrote. So i
made an aim.
he seemed ok with me. n its true
tht he doesnt insult me. so y must
i do the same.

haiz.
my aim basically is to say sorry.
tats it.

den its over.
i can laugh abt it all over again.

My cruel intentions.
U are made to become a parody.

I don wan to be a hypocrite.
but if u wanna noe.. i am neutral.
I've never been ur good fren.
sorry.
i mean.. ur jus a fren la.

haha. but u colour up my life.
make me laugh.
perhaps in a bad way... but
still.. i laugh.

I shall move Away
from this topic..

This is about another person.
(*shall not be named*) =

So..

Throughout today I was in
complete bliss.
COS..
I'm just so happy i tok to u.
I realised that im so fortunate
to get to know u.

Yep. But sometimes my bubble
bursts.
N im back to reality.
I realise... U don feel e same way
for me.

U react with other girls the same
way as u do with me.
U don treat me lyk im special 2 u.

Yet..

I feel happy wen i see u.
I made a fool out of myself in front
of u.
Yet.
Im glad ur there.

I found my inspiration.

Perhaps

FEBRUARY IS HERE!!!

Not that Im happy about it.
Or anything lyk tht.
Even more so..
I'm so stressed about it.

argghh.

haha.

It's just that.
Every month that pass..

We get older.

I get nearer n nearer to A levels!

I'm not meant to handle
the pressure. cos im too
relaxed.

yet deep down i want to excel.

arggh.

"I've got no motivation.
Where is my motivation?"
-- Green Day

Yes. everythng i do i relate it
to them. They are my life!
I love them! haha.

Well certain thngs have taken
a turn. this feb.. for me.

Haha. certain happiness.

1. I got thru the opening ceremony.
-- it was a wonderful exp.
-- tho tiring.
-- i will miss it. im glad i got to noe
e pple involved.

2. We toked all thru e night.
-- we couldnt put down e phone
-- even when we wanted to
-- haha. we strted our nice,
real conversation. again.

3. I wonder if u do read my blog.
-- I hope not. (half-heartedly)
-- I think u will noe tht im toking
abt u.

4. I wonder if u do noe.. n if u do feel.
-- the same way?

5. Yes. Feb ushers in.. the EMO trend
back again for me.
-- haha. :T

I have alot of things that I actually wish
to express. But some i cant.

Cos Im speechless n redundant.

Cos even tho I say it.. its useless.
I might as well just keep our
memories as part of somethng
etched in my mind for a long
time.

Omg.

U r so clueless.
U dont noe anythng.
Should I tell you?
I'm too scared.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps.

Redundant -- FYI -- *Important*

You're such a walking contradiction.

I can be nice to you.
If you are nice to me.

I pity you at times.
I feel guilty.

The way they treat u,
shouldnt be so.

But what to do? They can't
help it.

People dont really understand u.
We try to befriend u but u
don want to get involved.

den wen we back away, u
come chasing after us.
sticking to us.

I want to advice u.
I want to show u what are ur
character flaws.
I want to tell u why these people
dont lyk u.

But im afraid that..
(They say 'a tiger never changes
its stripes')
it might be all in vain.

Most probably u will never change.
U will never realise what makes
them dislike u.

It's not about ur physical being.
It's not about ur social life.
It's not about being popular or not.

It's about ur character.

Im not popular.
But people r ok with me.

If alot of people r not ok with u
That shows somethng.

Do not stoop to the level of
others. We may insult u.
behind ur bcks. infront of u.
whatever. but we have a reason
for it. but u dont have to follow
us. n 'publish' mean thngs about us.

we dont cause u no harm.
we try our best to be civil.
n we do feel guilty at times
wen we insult u.
but..

still we are CIVIL towards u.
we don hurt u physically.
we don abuse u.

yes. actions speak louder than words.
our actions might hurt ur feelings.
n we're sorry for tht.
but still we have our reasons.

im sure u do not realise what r
e reasons.
but as i said.. it is all abt the character.
n behaviour. that is it..

I rest my case.
About this issue.
I dont see the big fuss abt it.
It is my alevel yr.
Thts all I wanna thnk abt.

And U shld too!

I wish U all the best.
Hopefully u will
realise ur mistakes.

FINALLY:
Imagine being in our shoes..
The majority feels this way
abt u. n it is NOT unreasonable.
its so many people! how can so
many people feel the same way
without valid reasons?

We have our reasons for feelin
that way.
So i am sorry to say...
but u have to change for the better.

*This is a public service announcement -
This is only a test*